GARYGATE: WHO IS VEGAN GARY?
Enough was enough, something had to be said. These vegans had to be put in their place, first meat - now this! What had the world come to? Well, it had come to this - an outburst of emotion for the sanctity of "cheese"!
It began, the opening line..."CHEESE" (or lack thereof). The author elaborates..."If you're going to be a vegan don't call your vegan cheese [cheese] BECAUSE IT'S NOT CHEESE!!!!!!" This is important! There's no beating about the bush here. The author continues..."As a real cheese fan myself it’s really annoyed me that Sainsbury’s have brought out a “Vegan Cheese” made with COCONUTS. CHEESE IS NOT MADE WITH COCONUTS."
That's all very well, but what could these vegans call their "cheese"? Choose? Shoes? Sheese? Ok, maybe Sheese. However, it was none of these things, instead quite simply the most poetic name for vegan cheese anyone could have suggested...‘Call it Gary or something..." There it was. Of course! How could these vegans not see it? He had been staring them in the face, all this time. Gary!
When you think of Gary, you automatically think of coagulation of milk protein. You have Gary Barlow with his mouldy rind, which melts perfectly in the oven at 180°C. There's Gary Oldman, an aged, mature Gary, great for those nights you just want to sit in with a glass of red. And finally there's the packed lunch special, Red Leicester, sorry I mean Gary Lineker.
As the dust begins to settle on Garygate, the facts are becoming clear. It will take time to process. There of course will be the inevitable inquiry and the subsequent fall out. Infighting between backbenchers, spin doctors orchestrating media frenzies so as to distract us from the fact that the lives of Gary's everywhere have changed forever. So let's take a moment to think of all the Gary's that must now live in this post Garygate, post Brexit world. There will certainly be challenges for them. Sainsbury's is now certainly a no go, for fear of being packaged, stacked in free from sections and sold to vegans. They'll no longer be invited to cheese and wine parties, because Gary is not welcome at cheese and wine parties. But possibly the most distressing aspect of all of this will be the disillusionment of Gary's everywhere. They'll look on instagram and see "Gary and Tomato" Pizzas, soon there'll be "Gary and Onion" Crisps (I can only imagine Gary Lineker's fear, he may want to have a look at his Walker's contract) not to mention Garycake! It's certainly an uncertain time, all I can suggest is that if you see a Gary, give them a hug, I don't know how I'd cope with being re-branded as an ingredient. #HugaGary